Mistakes

The biggest mistake I have made in my life is thinking people care for me as much as I do for them.

I don't

I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad, I don’t cry. I pour. When I am happy, I don’t smile. I glow. When I am angry, I don’t yell. I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is, when I love I give them wings but perhaps that isn’t such a good thing cause they always tend to leave and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve. I shatter.

Heart Broken

I have been heart broken. You can't breathe, your eyes are pouring a thousand tears a second and you can't foresee going on with love because you never want to feel this way again. But then you have to look in the mirror and say 'Shut up, eat some ice cream, be by yourself for a while and think about who you are and who you want to be - then, go out and find someone compatible.' A broken heart feels like the worst thing in the whole world, but it really helps you decide what you want and don't want. You learn a lot from a broken heart.

No One

I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed most. I’ve been lied to by those I love. And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be. But at the end of the day, I had to learn to be my own best friend, because there’s going to be days where no-one is going to be there for me but myself.

Doubt

Just because you’re afraid, that doesn’t mean you’re in danger. Just because you believe nobody cares, that doesn’t mean nobody loves you. Just because you think you might fail, that doesn’t mean you will. No, just because you believe something, that doesn’t necessarily make it true. So learn when to doubt your thoughts, while at the same time, never doubting your ability to find the honest truth.

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Eventually

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

The rest of my life

For the rest of my life, I will always wonder why things seemed to be so unfair. I will always want to know what I did to deserve what happened to me. I will always wake up thinking everything is okay, later on realizing that it isn’t, and that it most likely never will be. I will cry about it, and I will be angry. I will always have problems trusting people. I’ll never think that anything will last. Friendships, and relationships, all of them just seem doomed. But I still try. For the rest of my life,
I will try.

She’s the girl

She’s the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won’t give up on you. She’s the girl that’s unlike the rest. The one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. She’s the girl that would love to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. She’s the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.

Waiting

 

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies. John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat. The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Life is a collection of a million moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by in our daily boring life, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets this normal day to day life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience. After all that is all we can do is enjoy this life we were given as best we can.

Swollen lungs

I am quiet most of the time. I just stare and think, My words get frozen within my lungs And I believe my thoughts are deadly And there's probably a quarantine Surrounding my lungs. People tend to ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" I just smile, laugh, and shrug.  I am quiet most of the time But my mind is Loud. My mind is Screaming. I wish I weren't quiet I wish I shared my emotions easily. I do not know how to start. My words get frozen within my Swollen lungs. 

Trust

Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean that they’ll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least

Try to understand

If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.

Trust

 Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean that they’ll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least.

Second Chance

I have become convinced that God thoroughly enjoys fixing and saving things that are broken. That means that no matter how hurt and defeated you feel, no matter how badly you have been damaged, God can repair you. God can give anyone a second chance

She’s the woman

She’s the woman that believes that what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won’t give up on you. She’s the woman that’s unlike the rest. The one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. She’s the woman that would love to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. She’s the woman that picks herself up every time she falls.

On My Own

I'm a strong women, everything that's hit me in my life, I've dealt with on my own, cried myself to sleep on my own,  picked myself back up and wiped my tears on my own and have grown from things that were meant to break me.  I get stronger by the day and I have to thank God for that.

I am a loner

Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I have tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am.  So I've learned to enjoy myself, my family and a few good friends.

I'm changing

I feel myself changing, I don't even laugh the same anymore. I don't smile the same, or talk the same. I'm just tired of  everything.

I am sick constantly

I am sick constantly.

from just a tiny pain bothering me,  to every part of my body aching so badly that I feel like I could just burst from the anguish.  but regardless of how badly I feel,  I realize I live with guilt.  So on top of my symptoms and pain,  I'm beating myself up on the inside. 

I feel guilty cannot be there and active in the lives of my family.  I feel guilty that I barely see my friends and cancel on them.  I feel guilty that my partner has to see me in pain,  deal with the symptoms and my crabby attitude when I am unwell. but I have to let go,  it's not my fault. I'm living with Fibromyalgia.

Leave me alone.

                        If you don't have good intentions please just leave me alone...I'm tired!